In ALL things show thanks!

....most of us show thanks for the good things, but how often are we thankful for the unpleasant things. (i.e. the poison ivy). I have heard that saying so many times throughout my life, but it never emotionally sunk in.  I have always understood that I should thankful, because things could always be worse....but to be thankful for the bad stuff???? I never got it....until recently.

Through my past posts, you can see that I was dealing with the stress of what I consider a deep betrayal.  I wanted so much to shut down, but I never did.  People around me thought that I was psycho, because I was so calm.  So much so that I started to wonder if something might be wrong with me.  But there wasn't, I had the peace that God promised he would give if we allow him to.  I had never felt it before, but I am so glad that I did.  It allowed me to think clearly and to continue to move forward.  I am thankful for that painful time, because it taught me how to let go and let God, it allowed me to truly forgive and it made me stronger.  It took away the weakness of fear and anger.  I learned so much and gained so much and I am very thankful.  I am thankful for the pain that brought me a new understanding of myself and new beginning.

Why have I been MIA for a while?...well that brings me to something else that I am thankful for....a diagnosis. Myofascial Fybromyalgia.  It is a life-long illness, but not a degenerative or terminal illness and for that I am thankful.  I take medication twice a day.  Am I in pain everyday?  Yes. I'm in pain right now.  Do my thoughts get jumbled? Yes.  Is it a struggle everyday to get up everyday, because of the sleep issues and fatigue? Yes.  My life has changed substantially.  My children's lives and my husband's life has been changed. Why then am I thankful?  First, because I was commanded to do so and I have seen what comes from truly being thankful in ALL things.  Secondly, I want my children to learn this lesson at a young age and not to waste time in moments of "why me?" or times of confusion, self pity or unnecessary sadness.  I am also thankful that I was reminded that I am not invincible.  I cherish the times with my family more.  I always cherished it, but it changes when you no longer believe that you will always be around, that there will always be more time.  I am thankful for the reminder to appreciate the pain free, quiet times. To have as much fun as I can, while I can, because I don't know what tomorrow may be like...or the next hour for that matter.  I am thankful that my boys have taken this in stride.  They step up in times when they see I can't and they do it in a way that doesn't make me feel insecure or saddened for my inability to act.  My illness is making them better gentlemen. Their future wives can thank me later. : ) My husband has stepped up in ways that I never thought possible.  He does not do well with hospitals, doctors or having to see me or the boys in any kind of pain.  In fact, I have to make him go to doctor appointments and he avoids hospitals as much as possible. He says that he can smell sickness when he walks in the door. Lol.  But, he refused to miss any of my appointments, he held my hand as they took my blood, he dressed me, fed me, held my hand while I cried from pain and fear.  He never flinched.  We often take into account that we will have to take care of an aging spouse at some point, but I'm 36.  That's alot to take on in the prime of your life.  But, he didn't flinch.  I still struggle with the guilt of not being able to do as much as before, for constantly saying I don't feel well and having to say "I can't".  He says, "that's okay, go lay down, take a break, I'll get it or, I will always take care of you".  He doesn't flinch.  I am thankful that my illness has brought an awareness of how much people love me.  Calls, prayers, cards.  It has reminded me to let people outside of my family know that I appreciate and/or love them and to not just wait for a special occasion or when I think they need to hear it the most.  People need that everyday.  I need that everyday.  It pushes you to take one more step when you feel like you can't go any farther.  It's energy.  It's strength.

I am thankful and I am proud of myself.  This journey has brought me to a new milestone.  I have learned to truly show thanks in ALL things!

To learn more about Fibromyalgia click here.  My journey down this road has just begun and I don't know where it will lead.   My understanding is that the symptoms will never go away, but through learning coping skills and medication it will get better.  If you suffer from Fibromyalgia or know someone that does, please share what is working for them or for you and I will do the same...until next time....

Lemons to Lemonade

Over the last 6-8 weeks, my highs have been really high and my lows have been really low.  I finished my class with an A, continued to become very comfortable and settled with sharing how I feel (respectfully but uncensored and unfiltered), I'm back to being a soccer and football mom and then........one morning I woke up and could not move.  Everything joint in my body hurt and my muscles and body were completely fatigued.  Thirty-five vials of blood, x-rays, a bone biopsy, a bone marrow biopsy, a rheumatologist, a hematologist/oncologist and weeks later.....still no diagnosis.  I've heard whispers of leukemia, bone cancer, lupus, and arthritis.  I had not been so unsettled in all of my life.  Not for fear of a diagnosis, but the waiting.  Thank God, they have ruled out everything they could think of....they were scary things and I was ready to fight, but where does that leave me?  I am doing much better now. Still a medicine lab rat and achy from time to time, but drastic a improvement. The only thing that bothers me is that there is no diagnosis. Will this continue to get better, go away or come back again one morning?  I don't know, but I can't or won't stop living while I am waiting to find out.  I am going to do what I can...

My bone marrow biopsy came back clean, so I immediately registered my info on the National Bone Marrow Registry.  I was blessed not to have cancer and if I can help someone else beat cancer I will.  The biopsy was not pleasant by any means, but I know it doesn't compare to the emotional or physical suffering that cancer patients have to  deal with every day. (I had a SMALL taste myself) ....My boys and I will be participating in a 30 hour famine fundraiser.  We will be educating ourselves on the suffering around the world, raising money and fasting for 30 hrs to experience what it is like to truly be hungry. (More info will come soon on how you can learn more, donate or join us.)  We are blessed and we need to recognize that everyday there is someone that would thankful for the things that we often take for granted.

I was given lemons, but I choose to make lemonade and I plan to make sure that it is a never-ending glass. : )

First Test Done!!!!

I just finished my first exam and a weight has truly been lifted off of my shoulders. Now all I have to do is  stress about how well I did until I get my grade. ;  ) Wish me luck!

Late night.

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! to all that have recently graduated...especially my niece Brentney. You are truly my hero.

So much going on...I am trying to plan two birthday celebrations, help plan my niece's graduation party, choose and coordinate summer camps/plans and study.  That's right, study.  Due to recent events in my life it has become a must that I seek employment.  I am currently taking my last class towards becoming a Medical Reimbursement Specialist. That's just a fancy way of saying that I will be working in coding and billing for medical facilities. ; ) I just finished reading and three workbook pages and I am exhausted.  A full day of being a teacher, a mom of two boys (and all that entails and yes it makes a difference that I have boys..those that have boys definitely understand...OMG!), laundry, cooking, etc. and now two additional hours of studying. YAY!..NOT! I like what I am studying and I pray that it will be worth it, but I am just tired. BUT, my boys are definitely worth it.  They don't live an extravagant lifestyles by any means, so I want to make sure that they will always be able to have access to the things that mean alot to them.  Like I said, they are worth it. Well, as a pick me up, I'm about to sign off and have some jello that my boys made and set aside just for me.  Ryan said that he wanted me to eat it today...technically it's already tomorrow, but he's sleeping so it will be our little secret. wink. wink. I hope that I can stay awake long enough to eat it. My boys love and take care of me and I will do WHATEVER I have to for them.  Because I love them and again, because they are worth it. ; ) Enough rambling....It's Jello time! Nite. nite or technically Morning...anyway bye!

~You may not always reap where you sow, but you will reap what you sow.~

Serenity Prayer

I need serenity.....
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Want -vs- Have

"Don't let the things you want make you forget about the things you have."
                                                                                                                      ~Actor, Rapper "Ice T"~

Reminder: Don't judge the messenger, just listen to the message.

Show and Prove

"In the streets we say, you gotta show and prove.  Words are easy.  You can say it all day and then out another way. You gotta show and prove."

                                                                                                                       ~Actor, Rapper "Ice T"~

Gum, water and a blueberry muffin...

I just realized that is all that I have eaten today......a piece of gum, some water and a blueberry muffin.  I know, I know, I know.  That is not healthy. I fuss at everyone in my family and even people that aren't about eating properly and drinking water.  I struggle to do both.  Lately, anyway.  It's not like I get hungry and choose not to eat.  I'm not hungry.  I chewed the gum, because I felt like it.  I drank the water not because I was thirsty, but because I knew that I should and I needed something to wash down my vitamins.Yes, I realize how crazy that sounds. (Like ordering a double cheeseburger, chili fries and a diet coke. I get it.) My son asked for spaghetti tonight and I had every intention of eating, but didn't feel like it. (I washed dishes instead.) I made blueberry muffins for dessert and realizing that I needed to have something solid in my stomach overnight, (every once in a while I get hypoglycemic) I ate one.  I should be starving, but I'm not.  My stomach shuts down when I'm busy or stressed. I know that I have to do better.  My boys are depending on me. I have to stay well.  I will do better tomorrow.  It's in writing, now I have to do better. ; ) Maybe I'll bump it up to two pieces of gum tomorrow...just kidding.

Homemade Mirror/Glass Cleaner

When I told my boys that I was going to start making my own cleaning supplies, they laughed and just said okay mom.  They expect these kind of things from me.  I am always looking for the healthy, economical route. The ideas don't always work out (ex. our kefir experiment for one...OMG!), but my boys always appease me and applaud my efforts. I will forever love them for that. They were probably happy that this was something that weren't going to have to eat. ; ) Anyway, there are alot of recipes out there, some cost as much or more than store bought, some seem like they would require a lab and some just don't work.  This one does! All that you need is alcohol (isopropyl or ethyl), white distilled vinegar, water and cornstarch. That's it!  Oh, and a new spray bottle. That's it, I promise.

Here's what you do:

Mix 1/4 cup of alcohol, 1/4 cup of vinegar, 1tbsp. cornstarch and two cups of warm water in the water bottle and shake. Easy enough? Cause your done. Clean as usual using paper towels, newspaper or a microfiber cloth. And no, it doesn't smell. ; )  *Shake well before each use*

Pat yourself on the back. You have saved money, created something and found a new use for cornstarch. You should feel like a superhero!  ; ) This works great on windows, mirrors and chrome. (and probably a few other things, but I can't speak to them yet) I will say to brace yourself, because you're about to see pores that you didn't know that you had. This stuff is great!

*You can use alcohol with mint, if you like to have a light clean scent.

Is getting even worth it?...

This was one of the scriptures covered in Bible Class:

"do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing" 1 Peter 3:9

This scripture really hit home for me today.  I go out of my way not to hurt others.  So when someone hurts me, I really take it to heart.  It's like secretly giving someone something that they really need and then they turn around and steal from you.... or like keeping someone's secrets while you know they are running around telling all of your secrets or even worse, making up stories about you. It's maddening.  You could retaliate, but you don't.  You would think that would be appreciated, but often it opens you up to more hurt, because now your kindness or loyalty is seen as weakness.  It's not easy and I am definitely not perfect at it, but you can't allow anyone to provoke you into giving away your blessings. No matter how hard they try......

Today was a good day. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you that you are special! Knowing who you are is one thing, but being reminded by someone else is something totally different.  ;  )

Avery Got Her Wings..Rest in Peace Angel!

Many of you may have heard of a baby girl named Avery Canahuati who was suffering from SMA. Those with SMA rarely survive past the age of two.  Avery was five months old and had created a blog in order to bring awareness to SMA and to chronicle her marking things off of her "bucket list".  I had just become a frequent visitor of her blog last week and was truly saddened and brought to tears to find out that she lost her battle yesterday.  True to form, Avery did not want anyone frozen in sadness due to her passing. She wanted action. Avery, posted that she wanted all of her millions of new friends to remember her by bringing awareness to SMA.  She had set a goal to raise 1 million dollars to get a therapy program out the lab and in the hands of doctors to help those with SMA.  There is $365,000 left to raise.  Please visit Avery's blog to see all of the fun and exciting things that she accomplished in her short time here, to learn more about SMA and/or donate to the fund.  Please send everyone that you know and don't know to this site. Click here.  Rest in peace, Avery.

They censored my baby. ; )

While we were in the middle of doing Ryan's science lesson, out of the blue he asked,"What is wrong with school?" I asked him what he meant.  He said that when he was in [public] school they had an in class project that required him to write a mini book.  He said that the teacher said that they could write about anything that they wanted and then they had to draw pictures and read it to the class.  He said that he wrote about Jesus and that his teacher said that he couldn't read it.  This came as a shock to me as he never told me about the situation. I asked, "Really, are you serious?" He said, "Yeah, what is wrong with school?" First, I was so proud that of all the things he chose to write about Jesus. Then, I was surprised not that he was censored, but that he didn't like that Jesus was not allowed.  I was so proud of him.  Don't get me wrong, I am not one of the homeschooling moms that bash the public school system.  (I know they exist.) I went through public school and my nieces and nephews currently attend public school.  My children excelled academically, had some good teachers and friends in public school and they may one day return. My simple reason for homeschooling is that it works for us. Current changes in my life may threaten my ability to continue homeschooling them, but with that being said I will continue to do so for as long as it works. I will at some point go more in depth with our homeschooling journey, but as this came up today I wanted to share this story. Until next time....

Tired of being good ...

So this is a question that I have posed to myself quite a few times over the years.  If everyone around you is doing whatever they want, having a great time, suffering very few consequences and are stress free, why not try it? I'm not talking about anything illegal. I'm just really tired of watching people skipping through life making decisions for right now without worrying or caring about the after effects.  While every decision that I make has been pushed through a filter of "what is best" or thinking of how will it affect someone else.  What about me? People think that because there are certain things that I don't do, it must be because I don't want to do them.  Not true. I have been to people what I wanted them to be to me, but somehow I don't get it back. Obviously, it's not important to them so why should it be to me? Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful people in my life and my relationships with them remain the same.  But can't I have a trial period of just doing whatever I feel like? Not being sarcastic, but sincerely wondering. What does it feel like? It must be nice otherwise it wouldn't be so popular. I don't think that I would want to live that way 24-7, but a "vacation" every once in a while would be nice.  Rhianna has a song called Good Girl Gone Bad. The lyrics basically talk about a good girl who is fed up being done wrong and so she turns "bad". One line says that once a good girl has gone bad she's gone forever. If that's true, does that mean the lifestyle is so good or addictive that once you give it a try that you can't go back to being "good"? I understand that you should treat people the way that you would like to be treated, but doesn't that also work in reverse? I know this post is going to prompt some people to think differently about me and some will be tempted to contact me with every biblical verse that they can find about turning the other cheek, but this is how I feel. I think that if you were completely honest with yourself, you would admit that you have felt this way as well. Whether it was a friend, co-worker, family member, acquaintance or even a stranger, someone has caused you to ask this question.  I'm not saying that I am about to turn into a vigilante or a pleasure seeking narcissist, but it has crossed my mind. More than once.

                                                                                                                        *Good Girl Gone Bad*

Be Trustworthy ....

Communication is Key.... : )

So this couple made it to their 50 yr. anniversary and the husband says to the wife, "After all these years Honey, I find you tried and true." The wife being hard of hearing says, "Say what?" The husband says in a louder voice, "After all these years, I find you tried and true." The wife quickly responds, "Well after all these years, I'm sick of you too!".....LOL...

What you hear might not be what be was said.  Part of communication is not only hearing, but also understanding what was said.

Eyes wide open...

A few days ago I came to a realization. An epiphany. An awakening. Someone who knows my character, knows my heart and knows my spirit treated me as a stranger. Worse than a stranger, more like an enemy.  They took all of their frustration, pain, anger, hate, emptiness and loneliness and threw it all at me.  I was in shock. For a second, anyway.  I quickly came to my senses and terminated the conversation. I couldn't believe that they would speak to anyone that way let alone me. At that very moment, I lost the ability to have any empathy for that person. I can't imagine how to understand what that person is going through or feeling or dealing with, or how to feel compassion for them when they clearly do not have any respect or empathy for me, especially after all that I have been through.  Maybe I am still too angry or maybe this is just the way it's going to be. I don't know. I'm not sure if I care.  When you have been there for someone in ways that they don't even understand, when you have protected them (even from themselves) more than you have protected yourself and they are able to have selective memory and pretend that you are nobody.... That you are disposable, because those are the type of people that they are used to dealing with...  That they can lump you in with a group that is so beneath your character and that they can do it so effortlessly... Without remorse... How do you get past that?  How can I ever feel safe with them again? I don't think that I can. How can you have someone in your life that you can't trust? Someone that is your biggest fan one minute and your worse enemy the next? Says something today and disputes that the conversation even took place by tomorrow? I've been in damage control mode for so long. I wanted so much to remain friends, but they seem to be on a mission to destroy any chance of that happening. I fear for this person in so many ways, but I know now that I can't make this person seek out answers and resolutions. I can't force them to look in the mirror. There will always be a distortion in their favor that they see and as far as answers...they will shop around until they get the answer they want.  Maybe they will be fine. I truly hope so. I wish them clarity and peace. That's what a true friend does. You love some friends by your side and others you have to love from afar. I see clearly now and I know that complete peace will follow. Until then...I will continue on my journey with people in my life that understand my worth and consistently express it...

A Quick Update:

Ok, so since my post on April 3rd, alot has happened.  The loved ones that I mentioned both lost their battles - one on the evening of the other's funeral.  My niece's minor surgery turned major, with her ending up in ICU and on a respirator.  My move was anything but a smooth transition and I am physically and emotionally drained.  I completed the No Soda Challenge and Ryan and I succeeded with flying colors.  I soon had a few Pepsis and considering what I have been through, I am okay with that. (I could have definitely done ALOT worse!) I haven't had a soda in over a week and am back on track to having them in moderation.  My dad is doing better and we are awaiting news as to whether he will have to have surgery. His spirits are better and he's getting stronger everyday. My plan was to give more details, but at this point I can't.  I am too tired and just want to move forward.  I have cried and I have been angry.  I have forgotten to eat.... and at times I have forgotten to breath.  No more dwelling in this place.  I may visit from time to time, but no more dwelling.....

Accept Your Mistakes...