In ALL things show thanks!

....most of us show thanks for the good things, but how often are we thankful for the unpleasant things. (i.e. the poison ivy). I have heard that saying so many times throughout my life, but it never emotionally sunk in.  I have always understood that I should thankful, because things could always be worse....but to be thankful for the bad stuff???? I never got it....until recently.

Through my past posts, you can see that I was dealing with the stress of what I consider a deep betrayal.  I wanted so much to shut down, but I never did.  People around me thought that I was psycho, because I was so calm.  So much so that I started to wonder if something might be wrong with me.  But there wasn't, I had the peace that God promised he would give if we allow him to.  I had never felt it before, but I am so glad that I did.  It allowed me to think clearly and to continue to move forward.  I am thankful for that painful time, because it taught me how to let go and let God, it allowed me to truly forgive and it made me stronger.  It took away the weakness of fear and anger.  I learned so much and gained so much and I am very thankful.  I am thankful for the pain that brought me a new understanding of myself and new beginning.

Why have I been MIA for a while?...well that brings me to something else that I am thankful for....a diagnosis. Myofascial Fybromyalgia.  It is a life-long illness, but not a degenerative or terminal illness and for that I am thankful.  I take medication twice a day.  Am I in pain everyday?  Yes. I'm in pain right now.  Do my thoughts get jumbled? Yes.  Is it a struggle everyday to get up everyday, because of the sleep issues and fatigue? Yes.  My life has changed substantially.  My children's lives and my husband's life has been changed. Why then am I thankful?  First, because I was commanded to do so and I have seen what comes from truly being thankful in ALL things.  Secondly, I want my children to learn this lesson at a young age and not to waste time in moments of "why me?" or times of confusion, self pity or unnecessary sadness.  I am also thankful that I was reminded that I am not invincible.  I cherish the times with my family more.  I always cherished it, but it changes when you no longer believe that you will always be around, that there will always be more time.  I am thankful for the reminder to appreciate the pain free, quiet times. To have as much fun as I can, while I can, because I don't know what tomorrow may be like...or the next hour for that matter.  I am thankful that my boys have taken this in stride.  They step up in times when they see I can't and they do it in a way that doesn't make me feel insecure or saddened for my inability to act.  My illness is making them better gentlemen. Their future wives can thank me later. : ) My husband has stepped up in ways that I never thought possible.  He does not do well with hospitals, doctors or having to see me or the boys in any kind of pain.  In fact, I have to make him go to doctor appointments and he avoids hospitals as much as possible. He says that he can smell sickness when he walks in the door. Lol.  But, he refused to miss any of my appointments, he held my hand as they took my blood, he dressed me, fed me, held my hand while I cried from pain and fear.  He never flinched.  We often take into account that we will have to take care of an aging spouse at some point, but I'm 36.  That's alot to take on in the prime of your life.  But, he didn't flinch.  I still struggle with the guilt of not being able to do as much as before, for constantly saying I don't feel well and having to say "I can't".  He says, "that's okay, go lay down, take a break, I'll get it or, I will always take care of you".  He doesn't flinch.  I am thankful that my illness has brought an awareness of how much people love me.  Calls, prayers, cards.  It has reminded me to let people outside of my family know that I appreciate and/or love them and to not just wait for a special occasion or when I think they need to hear it the most.  People need that everyday.  I need that everyday.  It pushes you to take one more step when you feel like you can't go any farther.  It's energy.  It's strength.

I am thankful and I am proud of myself.  This journey has brought me to a new milestone.  I have learned to truly show thanks in ALL things!

To learn more about Fibromyalgia click here.  My journey down this road has just begun and I don't know where it will lead.   My understanding is that the symptoms will never go away, but through learning coping skills and medication it will get better.  If you suffer from Fibromyalgia or know someone that does, please share what is working for them or for you and I will do the same...until next time....

Lemons to Lemonade

Over the last 6-8 weeks, my highs have been really high and my lows have been really low.  I finished my class with an A, continued to become very comfortable and settled with sharing how I feel (respectfully but uncensored and unfiltered), I'm back to being a soccer and football mom and then........one morning I woke up and could not move.  Everything joint in my body hurt and my muscles and body were completely fatigued.  Thirty-five vials of blood, x-rays, a bone biopsy, a bone marrow biopsy, a rheumatologist, a hematologist/oncologist and weeks later.....still no diagnosis.  I've heard whispers of leukemia, bone cancer, lupus, and arthritis.  I had not been so unsettled in all of my life.  Not for fear of a diagnosis, but the waiting.  Thank God, they have ruled out everything they could think of....they were scary things and I was ready to fight, but where does that leave me?  I am doing much better now. Still a medicine lab rat and achy from time to time, but drastic a improvement. The only thing that bothers me is that there is no diagnosis. Will this continue to get better, go away or come back again one morning?  I don't know, but I can't or won't stop living while I am waiting to find out.  I am going to do what I can...

My bone marrow biopsy came back clean, so I immediately registered my info on the National Bone Marrow Registry.  I was blessed not to have cancer and if I can help someone else beat cancer I will.  The biopsy was not pleasant by any means, but I know it doesn't compare to the emotional or physical suffering that cancer patients have to  deal with every day. (I had a SMALL taste myself) ....My boys and I will be participating in a 30 hour famine fundraiser.  We will be educating ourselves on the suffering around the world, raising money and fasting for 30 hrs to experience what it is like to truly be hungry. (More info will come soon on how you can learn more, donate or join us.)  We are blessed and we need to recognize that everyday there is someone that would thankful for the things that we often take for granted.

I was given lemons, but I choose to make lemonade and I plan to make sure that it is a never-ending glass. : )

Gum, water and a blueberry muffin...

I just realized that is all that I have eaten today......a piece of gum, some water and a blueberry muffin.  I know, I know, I know.  That is not healthy. I fuss at everyone in my family and even people that aren't about eating properly and drinking water.  I struggle to do both.  Lately, anyway.  It's not like I get hungry and choose not to eat.  I'm not hungry.  I chewed the gum, because I felt like it.  I drank the water not because I was thirsty, but because I knew that I should and I needed something to wash down my vitamins.Yes, I realize how crazy that sounds. (Like ordering a double cheeseburger, chili fries and a diet coke. I get it.) My son asked for spaghetti tonight and I had every intention of eating, but didn't feel like it. (I washed dishes instead.) I made blueberry muffins for dessert and realizing that I needed to have something solid in my stomach overnight, (every once in a while I get hypoglycemic) I ate one.  I should be starving, but I'm not.  My stomach shuts down when I'm busy or stressed. I know that I have to do better.  My boys are depending on me. I have to stay well.  I will do better tomorrow.  It's in writing, now I have to do better. ; ) Maybe I'll bump it up to two pieces of gum tomorrow...just kidding.

Is getting even worth it?...

This was one of the scriptures covered in Bible Class:

"do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing" 1 Peter 3:9

This scripture really hit home for me today.  I go out of my way not to hurt others.  So when someone hurts me, I really take it to heart.  It's like secretly giving someone something that they really need and then they turn around and steal from you.... or like keeping someone's secrets while you know they are running around telling all of your secrets or even worse, making up stories about you. It's maddening.  You could retaliate, but you don't.  You would think that would be appreciated, but often it opens you up to more hurt, because now your kindness or loyalty is seen as weakness.  It's not easy and I am definitely not perfect at it, but you can't allow anyone to provoke you into giving away your blessings. No matter how hard they try......

Tired of being good ...

So this is a question that I have posed to myself quite a few times over the years.  If everyone around you is doing whatever they want, having a great time, suffering very few consequences and are stress free, why not try it? I'm not talking about anything illegal. I'm just really tired of watching people skipping through life making decisions for right now without worrying or caring about the after effects.  While every decision that I make has been pushed through a filter of "what is best" or thinking of how will it affect someone else.  What about me? People think that because there are certain things that I don't do, it must be because I don't want to do them.  Not true. I have been to people what I wanted them to be to me, but somehow I don't get it back. Obviously, it's not important to them so why should it be to me? Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful people in my life and my relationships with them remain the same.  But can't I have a trial period of just doing whatever I feel like? Not being sarcastic, but sincerely wondering. What does it feel like? It must be nice otherwise it wouldn't be so popular. I don't think that I would want to live that way 24-7, but a "vacation" every once in a while would be nice.  Rhianna has a song called Good Girl Gone Bad. The lyrics basically talk about a good girl who is fed up being done wrong and so she turns "bad". One line says that once a good girl has gone bad she's gone forever. If that's true, does that mean the lifestyle is so good or addictive that once you give it a try that you can't go back to being "good"? I understand that you should treat people the way that you would like to be treated, but doesn't that also work in reverse? I know this post is going to prompt some people to think differently about me and some will be tempted to contact me with every biblical verse that they can find about turning the other cheek, but this is how I feel. I think that if you were completely honest with yourself, you would admit that you have felt this way as well. Whether it was a friend, co-worker, family member, acquaintance or even a stranger, someone has caused you to ask this question.  I'm not saying that I am about to turn into a vigilante or a pleasure seeking narcissist, but it has crossed my mind. More than once.

                                                                                                                        *Good Girl Gone Bad*

Eyes wide open...

A few days ago I came to a realization. An epiphany. An awakening. Someone who knows my character, knows my heart and knows my spirit treated me as a stranger. Worse than a stranger, more like an enemy.  They took all of their frustration, pain, anger, hate, emptiness and loneliness and threw it all at me.  I was in shock. For a second, anyway.  I quickly came to my senses and terminated the conversation. I couldn't believe that they would speak to anyone that way let alone me. At that very moment, I lost the ability to have any empathy for that person. I can't imagine how to understand what that person is going through or feeling or dealing with, or how to feel compassion for them when they clearly do not have any respect or empathy for me, especially after all that I have been through.  Maybe I am still too angry or maybe this is just the way it's going to be. I don't know. I'm not sure if I care.  When you have been there for someone in ways that they don't even understand, when you have protected them (even from themselves) more than you have protected yourself and they are able to have selective memory and pretend that you are nobody.... That you are disposable, because those are the type of people that they are used to dealing with...  That they can lump you in with a group that is so beneath your character and that they can do it so effortlessly... Without remorse... How do you get past that?  How can I ever feel safe with them again? I don't think that I can. How can you have someone in your life that you can't trust? Someone that is your biggest fan one minute and your worse enemy the next? Says something today and disputes that the conversation even took place by tomorrow? I've been in damage control mode for so long. I wanted so much to remain friends, but they seem to be on a mission to destroy any chance of that happening. I fear for this person in so many ways, but I know now that I can't make this person seek out answers and resolutions. I can't force them to look in the mirror. There will always be a distortion in their favor that they see and as far as answers...they will shop around until they get the answer they want.  Maybe they will be fine. I truly hope so. I wish them clarity and peace. That's what a true friend does. You love some friends by your side and others you have to love from afar. I see clearly now and I know that complete peace will follow. Until then...I will continue on my journey with people in my life that understand my worth and consistently express it...

Trust your truth.

                                                                                                                                   

The Spice of Life.....

I have gotten to a place where I am in a "love me or leave me" frame of mind, because now I truly love myself independent of how people feel about me or treat me.  I am not perfect, but I am darn near close and I say that not with conceit, but with pride.  I have worked very hard over the years to get here and I am still working.  I have had to challenge some of my "own" thoughts for proof of authenticity only to find that they were really the thoughts of others, disguised as being mine.  My idea of perfect, is me being true to my thoughts, beliefs, accomplishments, feelings, spirit and yes, even my mistakes.  My perfect may be the polar opposite of yours, but that's okay.  I'm the only one that can be me and you're the only one that can be you.  That's what makes this world so interesting! Off the subject (or maybe not), I have never liked that saying that America is the "Great Melting Pot".  The premise is that we all come together bringing different things and melt together to make something great.  The only problem with that scenario is that each ingredient loses some of the properties that made them unique and/or different and are no longer readily identifiable.  I chose to see America as the "Great Salad Bowl".  Cheesy, I know, but hear me out. In a salad, all of the ingredients keep what gave them their "flavor". You can look at the tomato and know what it is, it tastes the same, it retains it's firmness, and texture.  The same with all of the other ingredients.  They keep what made them special and yet come together to make something bigger, greater and new.  The dressing binds them together, just as the flag binds Americans or a common goal or bond binds any group of people together.  The point: no one should ever feel that they have to lose a part of who they are in order to belong to a group.  Different perspectives ignite conversations and ideas.  I love myself, but if I went to a group meeting and everyone dressed or looked like me, spoke like me and had the same ideas... first, I would pinch myself to see if I was sleeping or in the Twilight Zone.  Then, I would run to the nearest exit and find another group.  Although, it would be a delightful group of beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny women each wearing a hot pair of shoes (wink.wink), I need variety.  After all, as they say "it's the spice of life!"

~I'm not sure if I got off topic, changed the topic or what, but this is where my mind took me and I went with it. I hope that you didn't get lost along the way : ) ~

Lesson From Loss Pt.2

While yesterday's loss was not the first that I have suffered, it is the first since I have been on this journey.  After every loss (whether close to me or by an extended relationship) I asked myself the same questions that I asked myself yesterday.  However, this is the first time that I feel at peace with my answers.  Everyone in my life knows how I feel about them.  I have made it clear to them who I am (whether they have come to full acceptance or not) and all but one grievance has been fully conveyed.  The person is aware that they are no longer apart of my day to day life and that their actions are the reason why.  For that reason, I still feel at peace.  I have made my final wishes known and while I am in no way done being a parent, I have instilled good morals and principles in my children.  My prayer is that those things will not be lost when I am gone.  BTW: I have threatened them that I will come back and haunt them if they do. : ) When I started my journey, I thought that it was only preparing me to live a more authentic life.  I now see that it has also prepared me to be able to rest in peace.

*I will be posting a more complete message with the details of my journey at a later date.

Lesson From Loss Pt.1

I am truly saddened today.  Just hours ago I was informed that a family friend lost her battle with cancer.  While we knew it was coming, it still hurts.  I have told my self all the things that we always hear at a time like this..she's no longer in pain..she's in a better place...she's not suffering anymore...I know all of that in my head and yet my heart still hurts.  Death puts things in perspective.  I am sitting here thinking...if today was my last day, am I prepared?  Will I leave people with questions or at peace?  Will they replay memories of the real me or their vision of me?  Am I living today as though I have forever to resolve conflicts,  to say I love you or show that I care?  Life is to be cherished, but also respected.  We don't have control over it.  Don't waste time holding on to grudges or living a life that is not authentic to your spirit.  Live each day as though you have respect for life.  Robin did...and she fought hard to stay here........ Rest in peace Robin, you are already missed.